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Wednesday, 10 June 2015 14:23

APC 'Doctors' and Nigeria...APC is not the answer!

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JOHN ODEY ADUMA, PUBLISHER AND BRITISH CHEVENING SCHOLAR, UNITED KINGDOM

President Muhammadu Buhari, the Managing Director/Chief Executive Officer of the Savanna Farms Plc, a Jacob pretending not to know about the ongoing rancour in the Farm House. The animals are already threatening one another: "...*the elephant ravages the jungle/the jungle is peopled with snakes/the snake says to the squirrel/I will swallow you/the mongoose says to the snake/I will mangle you/the elephant says to the mongoose/I will strangle you."

tinubu
Adekunle Tinubu...The Author of ILLOGICA MATHEMATICA and the most indiscreet person in the world. "Don't mess up with me-o", his body language in the picture seems to be suggesting...but in just 90 days' time, this tactless bull will be chased out of the Savanna Farms Plc's Farm House, other wise known as the HOUSE OF UTHMAN DAN FODIO.

It's nearly two weeks now since Muhammadu Buhari took the oath of office in Nigeria and the country appears to be in a state of zero Government and governance precipitating intractable anarchy which has now become a common characteristic of that nation's super-active, super-eruptive volcanic polity.

The ship of State is sliding gradually from where originally Captain Jona berthed it ashore to the mid ocean and the thoroughly befuddled new Captain, Buhari is globe-trotting shopping for ideas in a manner that compromised the sovereignty of the Nigerian State, not being aware that in international politics, nation States talk about and seek areas of mutual cooperation, and not one kowtowing to the other/s and acting obsequiously asking for almsdeas in the name of submitting the so-called "Wish-list" to the other/s!

The APC Government has been in Government for exactly 11 days today and there hasn't been any action whatsoever from the Party's Headquarters in Abuja or the Presidency, where ST. Muhammadu Buhari now holds sway as the Managing Director/Chief Executive Officer of Nigeria Plc.

In the last eleven days, all the nation and the rest of the world have been treated to were the series of plays coming from their Alariwo Penkelemesi Company (APC), a roving theatrical company they had registered to entertain the Nigerian and global audiences with.

And by now it should be clear to the discerning mind that all they have to offer Nigeria and other theatre enthusiasts across the globe are 'plays' full of mere sounds and furies!

The APC bunch are notoriously known the world over for their in-house fightings, bickerings, duels of all sorts - although verbal now,  but will soon degenerate beyond the bounds of common sense and civility.

Did it not take them ages to arrive at a consensus Presidential candidate and a running mate for him? How long then will it take them to get their principal officers in place for the actual governance of Nigeria?

Millenium! Millenium! Millenium years!

These were a people who when in the feat of their political paroxysm and the height of their Bacchic enthusiasm were churning out policy pronouncements all to spite Goodluck Ebele Jonathan and his highly depraved cohorts and receiving all sorts people in the name of loyalty declaration, whilst the esconcing days of the Mujahid lasted at the Defence House.

Good tackling opportunities being missed by the OPPOSITE PARTY who still appears to be in a state of shock, or is it that they too like the now ruling Party need some help from Tony Blair or they are just thoroughly confused, dazed and in a state of high stupor and disorganization following the 'severe head injuries' they had sustained on March 28, 2015 from their erstwhile political aggressors during the national 'boxing tournament'?

But whatever happened to the Area Scatterer of Nigerian Politics (ASNP), that loquacious thug from the Rivers of Blood?

PROLOGUE

BUHARISM AND THE FIERCE URGENCY OF NOW VOLUME 0NE, PART 1

THE GREAT SUMMONS

Throughout the length and breath of Nigeria, the bugle is being blown to summon all Nigerians to answer this national call.

This call is to be Nigerian in all things Nigerian without recourse to ethnicity and violence; this call is to be humane in all things and be selfish in nothing. It is a summons to integrity; courage; to excellent service to humanity, this call is to every Nigerian to occupy their minds with serious things; to wipe out injustice and lay the foundation of an egalitarian society of fraternal proximity, to be punctual to work and to be committed to one's employers.

It is a summons to the employer that the worker deserves his wage; it is also a summons to workers not to turn their places of work into places of merchandize. Yea, it is a summons which places loyalty to fatherland above all else, to creativity and individual initiatives; to every Nigerian to carry their own cross and depend less on the Government; it is a summons for purposeful and visionary leadership and a dedicated, creative and committed followership.

This call is an appeal for dialogue and understanding; it is an appeal against endless borrowing by the Government; it is an appeal for the diversification of the economy and a form of privatization that is fair to all concerned.

COLLEGE LESSONS IN PARTNERSHIP FOR MR PRESIDENT

At Aladura Comprehensive High, I knew I could not deal with certain students who became "professional students" and had been grouped in some arranged classes to be pushed out by the school authorities because they made themselves ungovernable - aaah UNGOVERNABLE! But does this word sound familiar?

Yep, some how, Buhari's path and mine had been crossing - from barracks to the formation of THE PASTORAL RESOLVE, just like other Nigerian rulers alive or dead.  so I partnered with them by forming what I then called: ELDERS COUNCIL. The boys and girls in these classes were big and huge, some of them would take ogogoro...aaah OGOGORO - despite a good dose of it, EBELE JONATHAN AND HIS GANG were ELECTIMIDATED! Wouldn't be a bad idea, if Papa and Mama Sakwe start exporting Ogogoro Overseas as a way of helping the nation's brewery industry, the Nigerian economy and teaching Oga Buhari and his gang where and how to start governing Nigeria and repositioning the nation's fallen economy instead of contracting Tony Blair, a foreigner. By the way, will Tony Blair not write Muhammadu Buhari's INAUGURAL SPEECH - shouldn't he write it? I think he should since General Buhari and APC do not know what to do with the mandate just given to them by the Nigerian electorate through a carefully choreographed ELECTIMIDATIONS!

Even when they got wind of it that I was going to be appointed Senior Prefect of the whole school, they had begun threatening OMO MUMMY, me; for this was how I was referred to by the students at Aladura High because of my closeness to the School  Principal. Again, does this remind you of any event in Nigeria - ..."they had begun threatening me." To be honest, just one of those threats that could get teenagers worried somehow, but certainly they were not out to soak dogs and baboons in blood.

However, what I could glean from these young Nigerians was that in their characteristic disobedience to constituted authority, they were not going to have it my own way, but as usual, theirs. This means forming in their own way, a parallel administration. In fact, they had sent one of them, Hezekiah who was close to me to let "Omo Mummy" be aware: "Lo so fun omo mummy, to ba fumble, ama nu won pa." Meaning, if I was not careful, they would 'kill' him/beat him to death - just the usual boatfulness common amongst all teens and twennies.

Some of these students were bringing Ogogoro to class and putting mirrors under the class rows to know what colour of under wears female teachers were wearing to the class - to be honest, not particularly female students, rather they were after female teachers - they never cared about the consequences of their actions and inactions - they came to school wearing ASIWAJU MIXTURE - a sort of JAGABAN and assorted clothing as they had purposed in their hearts to have a PARALLEL SCHOOL, never did they care to wear the school uniform and we all detested the 'APC teachers', the Indian teachers in charge of our school First Aid - call it a mini-clinic, O-O, wetin concern me.

How did we arrive at calling these Indian teachers APC DOCTORS?

If you had cough, they would give you APC; you complained of stomach ache, they would give you APC after their kind of diagnoses; if you were playing foot ball and had a sprained ankle, they would give you APC; if your stomach was turning because you did not have your breakfast before coming to school; they would give you APC; if you had scabies/craw-craw, once you went to see them, you were sure to be given APC; if you just hit one of your legs against a stone going to the class from the Assembly Hall, what would they give you? APC, of course!

If you had cold, they would give you APC; jedijedi, APC; yellow fever, nko? APC; if a smart fellow student had taken your girl friend to lunch because you had no money that day and began to experience the usual emotional trauma occasioned by such boyish-unncessary pain and you went to meet the APC Doctors, they were bound to give you APC!

And so was it that the Indian Doctors were giving us wrong diagnoses because they did not understand the nature of the ailment, nor the the symptons, in a case of a particular sympton/s, they could not really tell what SYMPTONS of they really were, but they knew they could always give APC!

So these Indian teachers turned school 'Doctors' were given a type of drug that did not and could not cure; diagnosing, but could not tell what really our problems were - so they continued to fool themselves, the students and the school authorities that APC was the answer, but in their hearts of hearts they knew APC was not the answer!

Trust we boys, when we could not have it any longer we boys hatched out a plan and one day I spear-headed the ultra-rebellious, precocious and idealistic gang in the school, let us end this monkey tricks once and for all - one day, yes, one day, one day; Oh! One day, I led the group to put up a notice written on a piece of wood on the Pricipal's office door which I had got from a local carpenter and inscribed on it the words: APC IS NOT THE ANSWER!

Honestly, had the Indian 'Doctors' asked us to suggest "quick fixes" and come up with any useful "tips" and "Wish -list" that could take the College's Health System forward, I personally would have asked them to show me their medical certificates and submit their MEDICAL GUIDE FOR EFFECTIVE DIAGNOSES to the school authorities, and probably to the then Lagos State Ministry of Education under Mr Abisogun Leigh!

But no one in the whole of THE GREAT NIBE FEDERATION will doubt it is APC SOLUTION. So when will they then give us the directions for use regarding this APC SYRUP . For example, how many spoonfuls shall we take per day - one spoon in the morning, one in the afternoon and one in the evening or just one per day. For God's sake, let one amongst the chemists step forward and give us just the directions for use - but let such an one be a qualified pharmacist!

In the name of God, what are the contents of the APC SHARAB?

CONTENTS OF THE PACK AND OTHER VITAL INFORMATION

• Blueprint....Nil
• National Rebirth...Nil
• Vision...Nil
• Preparedness...Nil/So nervous/jittery - a reflection of their psycho-state/Not sure the ship of State is safe in their hands or 'll berth safely at destination point - however, KIV, but monitor closely and alert all harbours of the dangers ahead under the new Captain Buhari and his cabin attendant, 'sin.
• Mission Statement...Nil
• Nationalism...Nil
• Nationalists...Nil
• National Pride...Nil
• National Dignity...Nil
• Africanism...Nil
• Racial Pride...Nil
• Arabism...100%
• Ethnic Bigots/Jingoists...100%
• Dreams...Nil
• Solutions to the Problems...Nil
• National Consciousness...Nil
• National Interest...Nil
• Self-interest...100%
• Ethnicity...100%
• Regionalism...100%
• Nepotism...100%
• Corruption...100%
• Favouritism...100%
• Religion/Jihadism...100%
• Originality in thinking...Nil
• Organisation & Coordination...Nil
• Team Spirit...Nil/Always quarreling amongst themselves and shouting all over the place, a sort of ALARIWOS.
• Innovations...Nil
• Vicious Propaganda...100%
• Making Noises...100%
• Crying wolf...100%
• Raising Dust...100%
• Buharivellianism...100%
• Tinubuvellianism...100%
• Machiavellianism...100+%
• Creativity...Nill
• Fairness & Balance...Nil
• Hypocrisy...100%
• Foreign Contents...100% (I honestly think APC, Bola Ahmed Tinubu, Muhammadu Buhari, Bolaji Abdullahi and others too numerous to mention here, need to have their minds decolonised and they need to be reminded by a Primary School pupil that Nigeria is a sovereign nation. When Tony Blair who is treated like a leper here in Britain was voted to become the British Prime Minister between 1997-2007, which of the Nigerian/African leaders keynoted in a Labour Political summit; David Cameron and Ed Miliband were never in Nigeria to deliver any goddamned/gambit lecture at the Nigerian Institute of International Affairs, The Women Centre, Arewa House, if there's any such think-tank. Nigeria elected its President before Britain on March 28th, 2015, whilst Britain elected its Prime Minister on May the 7th, 2015, the latter has settled down to work and formed its Cabinet already, whilst Nigeria as usual, is stuck in policy/blueprint ceremonies and jamborees. When a journalist like Bolaji Abdullahi can purpose to be stupid and grossly irresponsible, exhibiting such colossal shame, do you still wonder why all the newsrooms in Nigeria today are full of political egrets, have become mere cemetries, with all papers and magazines turned into mere civil service and corporate newsletters? Can the nation please be told how much Tony Blair will be paid for all these revelries and what will follow thereafter....consultancy, contracts, oil search in the desert, democracy coach/advisor to Muhammadu Buhari? Can I just advise the dunderheads in the APC that all these money/time wasting and energy-sapping ceremonies are unnecessary, as all APC needs is their manifesto and a blueprint, which in my reckoning, ought to have been ready more than sixteen years ago?
• Appointments Distribution...Lopsided
• Gamjism...100%
• Infrastructural Development...3%
• Jobs...1.5%
• Security...2.37%
• Tyranny...97%
• Promises...Empty/Largely Unfulfilled!
• Performance Index...Very Below All Expectations (V-BAEs)
• Job Specifications...Zero capacity to understand the terms

Over all characteristic traits...Always confused, indecisive, always bickering, always quarelling, without ideas of their own, hence indulged in off-shores ideas-sourcing, generally vey noisy, always suspicious, no confidence, always blaming other people, the PDP, always seeking accolades and self-glory, conginital and incurable colonial mentality, the APC mirror does not see members, but others, etc.

Healing Potency..."The same old peculiar mess" (Penkele Messi), apologies to Remi Fani Kayode...Fani Power

General Comments/Observation...Overwhelmed before reporting for duty; accepting defeat before the battle; thoroughly lacking coordination; a highly disorganised, dis-orientated bunch, never ever prepared; not working as a team; not proactive; always noisy; no chemistry between the Captain and his Assistant, who looks thoroughly dazed, confounded, inexperienced, overwhelmed, seems afraid and looks more like the Captain's house boy or his copy typist and lacking the needed charisma, galvanizing personality/authority and force essential for such an exalted office. He sorts of lacks the authority of an Idiagbon, the feared aura of Idiagbon and generally, those Idiagbonian characteristics or leadership endownments.

In the House of Uthman Dan Fodio, 'Leke is the naive, inexperienced and harmless outsider. What a great gift from the Yorubas to the Hausa-Fulanis. After 100 days in office, Oluleke will be handed his keys to the Boys Quarters, where he belongs in the HOUSE OF UTHMAN DAN FODIO.

Glimpses of the Future: Mr Vice President, I want to have a word with His Excellency, can you please excuse us?

WARNINGS: THERE WILL BE OBVIOUS DISAPPOINTMENTS, SO KEEP OUT OF CITIZENS WITH HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND HEART ATTACKS

Some teachers were not too happy as they reasoned the demand of the office of a School Senior Prefect would get in the way of my studies and one by one they invited me either to the staff room or to their homes to advise me and letting it beknown to me the primary reason I was in College was not to become the Senior Prefect of the School, but to study, pass with excellent grades and then proceeded to the university to pursue my career path and come out to serve as they said, the country needed people like me. But none of them ever asked me to reject the appointment.

Three of my close friends came to my residence at the Ikeja miliatry cantonment on a SOLIDARITY visit. They didn't come to position themselves for appointments as suddenly Defence House has begun witnessing human traffic already, with each coming to profess their loyalty to the President-elect, a culture dating back to the 60s - and worthy of mention here was the Alhaji Zanna Bukar Dipcharima-led delegation to Major General Johnson Umunakwe Agui Ironsi to profess the loyalty of the whole of the Cabinet ministers of the nation's former Prime Minister Sir Abubakar Tafawa Balewa, other politicians and by extension, that of the whole Arewa, but in just six months agents of Arewa in uniform were to dispose of their then Commander-in-Chief in a sort of mistreatment worse than any cur could receive.

But should people in a democracy feel guilty for voting their hearts and minds, for voting according to their consciences and conviction? If truth must be told, for Bad Loser GMB to be allowing these fawnings, confessions of guilt and loyalty, he is promoting what I call THEOCRATIC DESPOTISM, which is a major hubri of his as an agent of the HOUSE OF UTHMAN DAN FODIO.

Excerpt from my MIND LEPROSY: THE NATIONAL BLUEPRINT FOR A BROAD-BASED DISSECTION OF AND STRATEGIES TO COMBAT CORRUPTION IN NIGERIA...to be serialised or published in full soon on Vigilance and Scorpion (http://www.scorpionnewscorp.com/).

JOHN ODEY ADUMA, British Chevening Scholar and Publisher was formerly Chairman, Editorial Board of the Daily Times of Nigeria Plc, Executive Secretary, Foundry Association of Nigeria, (FAN), Southern Zone Coordinator and Public Affairs Manager, THE PASTORAL RESOLVE (PARE - President Muhammadu Buhari's NGO for the herdsmen-pastoralists) and Chairman, Murtala Muhammed Memorial Lecture Planning Committee and Member, The National Technology Summit.

*Christopher Okigbo in Path of Thunder.

Read 1893 times Last modified on Wednesday, 14 October 2015 11:23

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