The interview was preceded by the nation’s national anthem:

The President of the Federal Republic of Wayo Mugamadu Busharia was accompanied by a retinue of Buriocrats and a battalion of security agents, including some Security Chiefs and frontline politicians from neighbouring countries as if going to war with an enemy country.

In fact, all the security chiefs were summoned to accompany the President to the TV studio, and leading them was General Miscellaneous, who had taken corruption in the military beyond the sky.

The General whose real name was Buratayi Tukoh Ajujaka was notorious for going to Overseas Weapons Dump Sites (OWDS) to purchase weapons to fight the Boggoggo Jaram terrorists, coupled with the fact that he revelled in purposeless malignity.

Enter, Scorpion’s Chief Interviewer and the President.

Scorpion Chief Interviewer: You are welcome, Mr President.

Mr President: (Visibly angry and hostile). Barka.

SCI: Mr President, how would you rate your performances in office for this past three and a half years?

Mr President: (Often taciturn and sparse in the use of words). 100%.

SCI: But both the Opposition and the nation alike have scored you zero in all areas of governance?

Mr President: (Pointing angrily to the SCI). Ubanka! Walahi, yua (you are) IFOB! Gaskiya, yua IFOB. (As he gets up for a fight with the TV host, his security chiefs tried to prevail on him to calm down, but the uncouth and grossly indiscipline President was resisting all entreaties from them to be presidential).

SCI: (Resumes his questions after the President seemed to have allowed reason to prevail, albeit, temporarily). Mr President, are you the real President or your body double?

Mr President: (Gave the interviewer a very unfriendly look like that of an angry lion warning an intruder into his den, then retorted). Who do you think that I’m?

SCI: Your Excellency, it’s not possible for me to tell who you really are – only you yourself Mr President, can counter the ongoing narrative.

Mr President: (Becoming angrier than ever before and abusive too). Kachi waku. I say yua (your) IFOB. You no difference soja media (social media), carrying fake news. You extremist, collabroting (collaborating) with foreign enemies. Walahi, next level danjarus (dangerous)! Next Level, kill, all kafirs. Blood of dogs and baboons flow, flow and bagged!

SCI: (Surprised at the erratic and an unpredictable behaviour of the President). Mr President, you mean if you win the next election, your NEXT LEVEL will be to kill all Christians and foreigners by continuing with your scorched earth policy?

Mr President: Who are foreigners, but bloody Babylonians? Who are Christians, but dogs and baboons, good only to be bagged and fed the lions in my private zoo?

SCI: (Trying to be double sure…). Mr President, you mean… (the President interrupted him immediately).

Mr President: Sharrap, IFOB! I say sharrap!

SCI: (Now poised to wind him up further and rattle him to further expose his uncouth mannerism, irascibility and in inflammability): The Generals and the people of Wayo Land have expressly said to you: THUS FAR, NO FURTHER, are you already cleaning up your desk at this time, or you are determined to cling on?

Mr President: (Now unusually quiet and staring at the SCI). 4+4=8. Abi no be so?

ICI: (Surprised at the President’s unusual calmness, drew a mischievous smile). Na so, Mr President. But they too have put their resentment in Arithmetic form: 4-0=4!

Mr President: (Still in a relaxed mood, which in every way now looks presidential). They haven’t told me when 4+4 is no longer 8! In any case, ba vacanse (no vacancy) in the Presdency (Presidency). Let me tell you and other enemies of the people in this country that the votes of 200 million in Wayo Land do not matter to me. In other words, whether they vote me in or not, I’m already in. All my brethren in West Africa have selected me to be their king, and by the grace of Allah, I have considered that honour with a heart full of gratitude to them. And do get this message out there to all the subversive elements in Wayo Republic that I’m a Selectocrat and not a Democrat; and I wear khaki on my mind and agbada outside. I’m, therefore, running a caliphate and not a democracy.

SCI: (Attempts to cut in…). Mr Pres…

Mr President: (Barks out authoritatively and tyrannically). Sharrap! Be quiet! I say kwi quayet! Also, I’m the Presdent (President) of the West African Cattle Breeders Association (WACBA), what is wrong with my brethren all over ECOWAS to vote for me?

Exeunt: All as the light gradually fades with the curtains at both ends draws to a close.

LET MY PEOPLE REMAIN VERY VIGILANT

BLOODY KADUNA, KEEP OFF –

THIS IS A BAGGING ZONE

A VERY STRONG WARNING TO ALL FOREIGNERS AND CHRISTIANS.

THIS WARNING IS ISSUED BY THE BAGGER-MARSHALL OF THE FEDERATION, EMPEROR AYATOLLAH KHOMENI-NASIR EL-RUFAI.

Johnny Boy

ENGLAND, UNITED KINGDOM.

** *The Voice of One crying in the Diaspora…proudly leading the NATIONALISTS UNITY MOVEMENT OF NIGERIA (NUMON).

^{CHIEF LEADER WRITER, THE NIGERIAN ELECTIONS INTELLIGENCE SERVICES BUREAU, EUROPE & THE AMERICAS.}

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

John Odey Aduma was formerly Executive Secretary, Foundry Association of Nigeria; Southern Coordinator and the Public Affairs Manager of President Muhammadu Buhari's pastoralists NGO - THE PASTORAL RESOLVE; Chairman, Editorial Board of the Daily Times of Nigeria Plc; member, National Committee for the Nigerian Youth Festival, 1993; Core Committee, the Nigerian Conservation Foundation (NCF)/Ford Foundation, Kano Eastern Bypass Roadside Tree Planting Exercise, 1997; member, core Committee of the National Technology Summit and was the Summit's chairman for two of its sub-committees - Publicity and Exhibition, 1998; member of the Administrative Panel of Inquiry set up by President Olusegun Obasanjo to investigate the illegal trade in and smuggling of endangered species of wild fauna and flora into and out of Nigeria, 2003.

He was the Chairman, Planning Committee of the General Murtala Muhammed Memorial Lecture for two consecutive years, 2001 and 2002 before it attained a Foundation status in 2002, having first been upgraded to that status in 2001.

General Murtala Muhammed was one of Nigeria's former Heads of State and was killed in the abortive coup led by the then Colonel Buka Suka Dimka on February 13, 1976.

That same capacity saw Mr Aduma delivering huge successes during the Daily Times of Nigeria's 75th Anniversary (in which he raked in N6, 000, 000 into the coffers of the Daily Times of Nigeria Plc) and also, playing a similar role in a similar capacity during Dr Isma'il Babatunde Jose's 75th Birth Day. Dr Jose, doyen of Nigerian journalism was Mr Aduma's personal mentor. That relationship was so close and solid such that whilst Aduma was leaving the shores of Nigeria for Britain in 2003, Dr Jose gave him N10, 000.00.

In 1992, Mr Aduma's contributions to journalism was recognised with the awards of the Nigeria Media Merit Award as the Investigative Reporter of the Year and the Diamond Awards for Media Excellence as the Reporter of the Year, and the British Chevening Scholarship, which saw him studying International Journalism with Specialism in Environment at City, University of London in 2003-2004.

Aduma is the author of the inspirational best-seller, THE DIAMONDS ARE HERE and the founder of Vigilance, the World's Leading Security Magazine and Scorpion News Corp, in addition to founding the Nationalists Unity Movement of Nigeria (NUMON).

He is also, involved in professional mentoring at Post Graduate level in the City, University of London’s Post Graduate Professional Mentoring Strand.